Pilot/Transcript
Cast as Lunch lady }} Episode transcript Cold open Cold open, Scene 1 Dean Pelton: Good morning. How do we turn this off? Can you help me turn this off? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. Good morning. Many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale, and as your dean I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens, (Cut to a shot of recent high school graduate Troy Barnes.) middle-aged divorcees, (Cut to a shot of Shirley Bennett, a divorced mother of two.) and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. (Cut to a shot of sexagenarian Pierce Hawthorne.) That's what you've heard. However, I wish you luck! Okay, you know Uh-oh. Okay, there's more to this speech. There's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas? Cold open, Scene 2 Abed Nadir: I'm only half Arabic, actually. My dad is Palestinian. He's a U.S. citizen, he's not a threat to national security or anything. Lot of people want to know after they meet him because he has angry energy. Not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving. Although she did leave because he was angry. And he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way. Jeff Winger: Abed, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now about that question that I had? Abed: Oh, uh five after eleven when you asked. (Jeff stops when he spots another Spanish 101 student Britta Perry a distance away.) Jeff: Abed. Abed: Yeah. Jeff: What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there. Abed: Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil. Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test so she really needs to focus and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold. Jeff: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Cold open, Scene 3 (There is a knock on Professor Duncan's door.) Ian Duncan: Absolutely not. (Jeff opens the door and enters.) Jeff: If these guys knew you like I did, they would have given you a small office. Duncan: Jeff Winger, genius at law. Jeff: You gotta stop saying that. Duncan: I will never do that. Sit down. I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped. Jeff: Well, 2002 was a simpler time. Duncan: So, what is my lawyer doing here? Jeff: I'm a student. Duncan: Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey. Jeff: Uh, I am...I am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. Uh, they found out my college degree was less than legitimate. Duncan: Well, I thought you had a bachelor's from Columbia. Jeff: Now I have to get one from America. Duncan: Oof. Jeff: And it can't be an e-mail attachment. Duncan: Well, you've picked a fine school. Jeff: Yes and I'm hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance... Duncan: Yes. Jeff: ...moral support...every answer to every test for every one of the classes that I'm taking. Uh, here's my schedule. Duncan: Now, Jeff, just by asking that you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. (A student outside the office is urinating behind a dumpster and Duncan gets up from his desk to yell at him.) Duncan: Oi! Waster! Not a bathroom! Not a bathroom! Jeff: Okay. Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced twelve of your peers that when you made that U-turn on the freeway and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box that your only real crime was loving America. Duncan: Well, I...I do love America. I love it very much. Jeff: Mm? Duncan: I love chalupas... Jeff: But? Duncan: I'll look into it. Jeff: Thank you. Duncan, you are a good man. Duncan: Jeff, are you familiar with the adage "Cheaters never prosper?" Jeff: No...and if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college. Act 1 Act 1, Scene 1 Jeff: Oh, hey, Spanish. Britta: Yeah, don't hit on me, okay? Jeff: Whoa, I wouldn't dream of it. Jeff: I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group. Britta: Oh, whoa, whoa. The guy who's playing "Bejeweled" on his iPhone all class has a study group? Can I sign up twice? Jeff: I'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor. Board certified. Britta: Can you say that in Spanish now? Jeff: Duermo tarde español, una hora más, no rayar mi coche. Britta: I really need help with Spanish. Jeff: Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff. Or Jefe. The group meets at the library at 4. Britta: Britta. Thanks. Jeff: You're gonna be there? Paquito más...that means, "See you there." (The Lunch lady shows up to talk to Jeff.) Jeff: Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right? Lunch lady: Huh? Jeff: Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor. Lunch lady: Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, SeinFIELD? Jeff: Yes. I'm so sorry. It's "Sein''FELD ". Act 1, Scene 2 '''Jeff': Bienvenidos...bienvenidos... (Jeff notices Britta arriving.) Bienvenidos! Hey, all right, come on in. I've got the whole table. Welcome. Britta: Yeah, the whole room. Jeff: Here's the, uh, contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. That's...man, the rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted. Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk. Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal? Britta: That's not small talk? Jeff: What's your deal and is God dead? Britta: All right, you wanna know my deal? Jeff: Mmm. Britta: I dropped out of high school because I thought for some reason it would impress Radiohead. Jeff: You'd be surprised what gets back to those guys. Britta: I joined the Peace Corps. I did a little foot modeling. I got tear gassed at a world trade rally. Jeff: Marry me. Britta: Ha. And I guess, Jeff, my deal is, above all else, honesty. Jeff: Honesty? Britta: Yeah. You tell me the truth, I will like you. You lie to me, I will never talk to you again. That's my deal. Jeff: That's a good deal. Britta: So, what's your deal? Jeff: Uh, I would have to go, I would have to say, um, honesty. Because I would say anything to get what I want, and I want you to like me so, uh... Britta: Well, that's a very honest answer. All right, for now, I like you fine. Jeff: Really? Wow. You're easy. Britta: Hell, yeah! (Abed shows up.) Britta: Abed in the house! Whoo! Abed: Whoo! Britta: Whoo! Abed: Whoo! Jeff: Whoo! Why? Abed: Britta invited me. Is that cool? Jeff: Oh, I can't think of a single, logical reason why not. Abed: Cool. Jeff: There you go. Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. That's right. Abed: Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Hey, this is kind of like Breakfast Club, huh? Britta: We are in a library. Abed: Yeah, I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside that would make us cry if we talked about it. Britta: Do you have something balled up inside you? Abed: Oh, I got a little doozy in the chamber of things get emotional. (Abed's phone gets a text message alert.) Abed: Hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read. Jeff: Uh, it's probably just for you. Abed: I've never gotten one of these. Jeff: Uh, it's probably...You just...It's just for your eyes. Abed: 'Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you.' (Abed shows the text to Britta.) 'Say you have to pee'? Britta: That is weird. (Abed shows the text to Jeff.) Abed: 'Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you.' Jeff: Yeah. Do you have to pee? Abed: No. That's so weird. Jeff: Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy. Abed: That makes two of us. (Jeff receives an odd looking text message from Duncan.) Britta: What's that? Abed: Does it say you have to pee? Jeff: No, it's just someone with a misguided grasp of abbreviation. I just need five minutes, you guys. So go ahead and study all the verbs in Spanish. Britta: Abed. Abed: Yeah? Britta: What's your read on that guy? Abed: You look like . Act 1, Scene 3 Duncan: Just act natural, pretend you're watching the athletic proceedings. Jeff: You couldn't stop me from watching them. There's a guy trying out for track team that is older than the game of poker. He's kind of trucking. Duncan: Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answers. Jeff: I would say go for that...and could have said so in a text. Duncan: I'm asking if you know the difference between right and wrong. Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative, and in either case, booyah. Duncan: Oh. Interesting. It's just, the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism. Jeff: Duncan, you don't have to play shrink to protect your pride. I accept you're chicken. Duncan: Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? Jeff: No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit. Duncan: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way! Jeff: A 6-year-old girl could talk to you that way. Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable! Jeff: No, because you're a 5-year-old girl, and there's a pecking order. Duncan: Fine, I'll do it! Jeff: Thank you. Duncan: Yeah, with pleasure! Bye! Yes, good! Why am I still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself. Act 1, Scene 4 Jeff: You guys aren't going to believe this but...the rest of the group is here. Pierce: Are you the board-certified tutor? Troy: That means you do my homework, right, Seacrest? Shirley: I need to call my babysitter if we gonna be late. Annie: What board certifies a tutor? Jeff: Where's Britta? Abed: Not sure but I invited more people from Spanish class. Is that cool? Jeff: It's...the...coolest. I'm...gonna go to the bathroom...and bring my jacket, wallet and keys with me in case there's a fire. Shirley: Should we go with him? Troy: Gonna leave my homework with " " over here. Shirley: That's borderline racist I think. Act 1, Scene 5 (Jeff leaves the building and runs into Britta who is smoking a cigarette.) Britta: And busted. Jeff: Uh, listen... Britta: Now you know. I'm a smoker. Jeff: Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe. Britta: You ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up. Jeff: Yeah, not mine actually. I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. And I was trained never to say this, but I think that group may be untutorable. Britta: Oh, really? Jeff: So, uh, why don't you and I go study over... Britta: Dinner? Jeff: Or drinks. Britta: I think, actually, we should prioritize here and study first and then go to dinner. And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early. (Britta goes back inside but Jeff lingers behind.) Jeff: Oh, they will be untutorable. Act 2 Act 2, Scene 1 Jeff: All right. Look at this crew. All ready to study all night. Shirley: I can stay at least till 10. Jeff: But who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff. Pierce: Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne. And, yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes the award-winning moist towelette. Jeff: I was just gonna ask. Pierce: I'm also a toastmaster so maybe I should do the introductions. Jeff: Definitely. Pierce: You know Brittles. Britta: Britta. Pierce: Ay-bed. Ay-bed the Arab. Is that inappropriate? Abed: Sure. Pierce: Roy, Roy, the wonder boy. Troy: Troy. Pierce: Little Princess Elizabeth. Annie: Annie. Pierce: And, finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley. Jeff: Is that even close? Annie: I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident. Abed: Oh, this is getting way more like " " now. Pierce: There's breakfast? Britta: Okay, um, maybe we should get started... Jeff: You know, I've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her? Shirley: Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back we just didn't really think about you... Annie: Can we stop with the 'pumpkins' and the 'sweeties'? Being younger does not make me inferior. If anything, your age indicates that you've made bad life decisions. Shirley: Mmm, mmm... Jeff: Shirley has a response to that. Shirley: No, no, no. I don't. Troy: It looks like you do. Jeff: Shirley, go ahead. Shirley: Okay, okay. Um...I'm sure I've made some...some bad life decisions. And maybe Annie's decisions will be better...uh...but I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be considered a child or an adult, because children get pity, but not respect, and adults, they get respect but they also get the back of their head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes. Britta: Okay! Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in Spanish? (Pierce touches Shirley's hair.) Shirley: What are you doing?! Jeff: Pierce! Let's discuss this creepiness. Pierce: Pardon you? Britta: What are you doing? Jeff: I'm certified. Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate? Pierce: What advances? Shirley: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class. Pierce: Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on? Troy: Saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude! Pierce: Hey! I am a prominent business leader and a highly sought after dinner guest and I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy. Troy: Well, this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king. Annie: You're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't Riverside High. Troy: How'd you know I went there? Annie: Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket, and, more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra. Troy: Were you that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out? You're little Annie Adderall. Annie: And you're a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand! Troy: Keg flip! They're very hard to pull off. Annie: Don't talk to me. Troy: You don't know, I'm a legend. (The group starts arguing amongst themselves until Abed interrupts.) Abed: You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me he said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." No, Dad, what about you?!' '' '''Jeff': Well, uh...that actually was from " ." Abed: Nobody puts Baby in the corner. Jeff: " ". (Jeff gets a phone call.) Jeff: Hello? Duncan (voice on the phone): It's Professor Duncan. Come to the parking lot now. Jeff: What's wrong with your voice? Duncan: I'm disguising it. Jeff: I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go. Act 2, Scene 2 (Jeff goes outside and locates Duncan inside a tiny blue compact car.) Duncan: Get in the car. (Jeff enters the cramped vehicle.) Duncan: Act as if we've either just finished or are yet to begin driving. Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester. Jeff: I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you. Duncan: Whoa, there, grabby grabby. What do I get? Jeff: The satisfaction of being even. Duncan: Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah. Jeff: Wha-What do you want from me? Duncan: Your Lexus. Jeff: My car for a semester's worth of answers? Duncan: Will it be just a semester, though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers. Jeff: You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies. Duncan: Have a nice disbarment hearing. Jeff: What am I supposed to drive? Duncan: You should take this car. It's good for the earth. Jeff: So is wiping your butt with a leaf but it's not how a man gets around. (After some reluctance Jeff takes the deal.) Act 2, Scene 3 Jeff (mutters): Golf cart. (Britta sees Jeff in the hallway and leaves the arguing study group members to talk to him.) Britta: It is a disaster in there! Jeff: Yeah. Untutorable. Do you like Thai food? I love Thai food. Britta: Wait. So, so this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants? Jeff: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool. I mean, you look like Elizabeth Shue. Britta: You're unbelievable. Jeff: What do you want me to do? Britta: Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess. Jeff: Okay, if I do that, then dinner, right? Britta: Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douche bag. Jeff: Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car. Act 3 Act 3, Scene 1 Jeff: All right, everybody! I wanna say something. Sit down. Shirley: Well, you don't have to yell. I don't appreciate your tone. Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals? Troy: Feet. Pierce: No, no. Come on, bears have feet. Jeff: We're the only species on earth that observes "Shark Week." Sharks don't even observe "Shark Week," but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this. (Jeff snaps the pencil in two.) Abed: Oh! Jeff: And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. Pierce: Big mistake. Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. Pierce: The Dalai Lama and I... Jeff: We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. Pierce: Soup? Jeff: I want you to look to the person to your left. Jeff: Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. Shirley: Look at her? Okay. Troy: This? Jeff: Yeah. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you." Shirley: I forgive you. Annie: I forgive you. Britta: I forgive you. Abed: I forgive you. Troy: I forgive you. Pierce: You little twerp. Jeff: Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you." Shirley: He didn't say it? Pierce (mutters): I forgive you. Jeff: You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community. Shirley: Oh, that's nice. I like that. Abed: This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like " " or " ." Anything with . Jeff: I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta. Britta? Britta: I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down. But since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. Everybody ready? Jeff: Fine. And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I wasted more than they wasted mine. Pierce: Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this group? Jeff: I don't have a study group Pierce. I made it up. Annie What about the 'Look left' speech? Jeff: Made it up. That's what I do. I make things up. And I got paid a lot of money to do it. Before I came to this school-shaped toilet, I was a lawyer! Shirley: Oh, man, this ruins everything. Abed: You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films. But you're more like in any of his films. Jeff: Yeah? Well, you have 's. Abed: What does that mean? Troy: Ha, ha. Ass burger. Annie: It's a serious disorder. Shirley: It really is. Pierce: If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? Heh, heh. Troy: Heh, Yeah. Pierce: Heh, heh. Ass burger. Troy: Burger for your ass. Act 3, Scene 2 (Jeff goes outside and opens the package Duncan gave him. All the pages are blank save one that reads 'Booyah!') Act 3, Scene 3 Duncan: Ha, ha. (Jeff angrily pushes in the office door.) Duncan: Jeffrey, before you say anything, you might want to think about the gift you've been given. Jeff: An excuse to punch a hippy? Duncan: No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life. Jeff: Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me my keys. Duncan: No, I have to keep your car for the lesson. (Jeff approaches him and Duncan throws him the car keys.) Duncan: Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. Jeffrey? Jeffrey? Are we cool? Are we cool? We cool. Act 3, Scene 4 (Jeff walks by the library when Pierce calls out to him.) Pierce: I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age. Jeff: I deserve that. Pierce: You know I've been divorced seven times? Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong. Jeff: You keep getting married. Pierce: I never looked at it that way. (Troy shows up.) Jeff: Shouldn't you guys be studying? Troy: Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. Let me ask you something. People have been clowning me about this jacket since I got here. But, if I take it off to make them happy, that just makes me weak, right? Jeff: Listen, it doesn't matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off. Either way, it's for them. That's what's weak. Troy: Whoa. You just wrinkled my brain, man. Pierce: He's good, isn't he? Troy: He's real good. (Britta shows up followed by Annie, Shirley and Abed.) Britta: Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers? Jeff: I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna, I'm gonna flunk the test. Troy: If you just, like, study for an hour, it's not that hard. You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat. Jeff: Well, the funny thing about being smart is you can get through most of life without having to do work. So, uh, I'm not really sure how to do that. Annie: (Looks at Britta and mouths the words) Please? So sad... Britta: (Responds to Annie and mouths the words) He makes me wanna: (Mimes sticking finger down her throat.) (Abed notices this interaction and is concerned.) Abed: What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now? Everyone (except Abed): Yes!!! Abed: That's good. Britta: You know what, Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you. So if you wanna come back upstairs... Jeff: Really? Britta: Well, it is your study group so... Shirley: Come on, let's study. Pierce: Sounds good. Shirley: Come on. Troy: Pressure. Abed: I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now. Jeff: Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. (Jeff follows the study group back into the library.) THE END Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts